say goodbye to pain

‘Sometimes even the right is wrong’

+3

since finishing my awful thesis, i feel like invisible weights have been lifted off my shoulders. the sky is blue again. i can hear birds singing in the early hours of the morning. i’m starting to believe that things in your life can be grouped to serve a purpose. relationship, school, health. they were all deteriorating, so u experience a collective downfall. then when u reach a certain point, u can break out, and be freed.

i got my wisdom tooth extracted yesterday. i was drilled, yanked and drugged. i was scared, not of the procedure, or the tools they used, or the pain. i was scared of complications. x-ray showed im a ‘high risk’ case for nerve damage because the root laid close to the nerve. potentially i could lose taste permanently. i remember lying there while they poked at me, thinking ‘like a flood, his mercy reigns’. could it really be true? in spite of all my recent poor behavior, does God really overlook all those things? would he still protect me? in the end, He did.

been thinking about this whole ‘timing’ deal. whenever a relationship doesnt work out, if you talk to them about why it didnt work out, ‘timing’ is almost always on the list of reasons. it might not be the top reason, but it’s usually mentioned. i dont think i believe in timing. it feels like a cop-out. like an excuse not to try harder in a relationship. people in very different situations, when this ‘timing’ doesnt make any sense, have overcome hardships and ended up together. timing only makes sense when you’re not in a relationshp, but looking to be in one. for example, if somebody just finished a relationhip with someone, they may not be ready to start a new relationship with you.

Hound of Heaven

The name is strange. It startles one at first. It is so bold, so new, so fearless. It does not attract, rather the reverse. But when one reads the poem this strangeness disappears. The meaning is understood. As the hound follows the hare, never ceasing in its running, ever drawing nearer in the chase, with unhurrying and imperturbed pace, so does God follow the fleeing soul by His Divine grace. And though in sin or in human love, away from God it seeks to hide itself, Divine grace follows after, unwearyingly follows ever after, till the soul feels its pressure forcing it to turn to Him alone in that never ending pursuit.

- Francis Thompson

the art of losing

‘i’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. i’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.’

-3

i hate losing things. and i hate having to find it. i think it’s gotta be in my top 5 most hated things. i hate it so much because i can’t just let it be lost. i HAVE to find it. it’s like when you’re in bed and suddenly u hear a buzz next to your ear, and you bounce right up and realise there’s a mosquito in your room, you HAVE to get rid of it. otherwise u risk waking up the next morning with mosquito bites all over you, and a fatter mosquito hiding in your room somewhere laughing at you….

now everybody claims that when you’re not looking for something, it’s usually where you last left it, but when you are looking for it, for some reason it’s not at that spot anymore. so lets summarize the chain of events starting from when you realize you need it, and we’ll call it ‘windows xp installation cd’

1) go to the place where you thought you last placed or seen windows xp installation cd
2) when you can’t find windows xp installation cd in that place, you have a brief ’squint-eye-stroke-chin’ moment, and maybe sweeten it with a light ‘hmmm’ sound
3) you start looking at other places where windows xp installation cd might be, such as your cd rack
4) doubting your first search effort, u go back to the first place and sift through everything more carefully
5) you start looking at more places eventhough they are more unlikely locations where you would find windows xp installation cd
6) if they havent noticed already, u start acting more frustrated and annoyed to grab the attention of your family members so they’ll ask ‘hey, what’s wrong?’
7) after explaining about the lost windows xp installation cd, your family members will join in on the search.
8 ) you start calling people and asking them ‘yo did u take my windows xp installation cd?’
9) without fail, your dad will give u the ‘well if you were more organized, this wouldnt’ve happened’ pep talk, at which point u might want to either 1) accuse somebody of moving your windows xp installation cd, or 2) hang up
10) as u continue your search and begin to realise that the amount of junk you have in your house is a contributing factor to the disappearance of windows xp installation cd, you start throwing junk on the floor so that after the search party is over, you can throw all of that in the trash
11) upon finding things that resemble windows xp installation cd, such as your sister’s ‘Alicia Key’s unplugged’ cd, milliseconds of hope and excitement soon transforms into inconsolable rage against all cds except your windows xp installation cd…. OR vice versa.
12) if you’re lucky, level-headed thinking may deliver you a flashback where you see one of your family member putting your stuff, including your windows xp installation cd, in a box, at another location.
13) finally you find your stupid windows xp installation cd, and stick it in your cd drive so you can get your damn excel file to open once again

so that’s how windows annoyed me today. the automatic update is the most annoying thing in the world. you update stuff and it causes your files not to open unless you have your stupid windows xp installation cd. if u dont update stuff, they guilt trip you by saying ‘your computer will be more vulnerable unless you install updates regularly’. but there you go, lessons learned:
1) it aint your unorganization/disorganization, it’s somebody else.
2) don’t use automatic update….or switch to mac.

the man and purse conundrum

‘I’ve seen diamonds cut through harder men’

+2

i’ve been wanting to address this issue for a while, but never really had time to give it much thought. this topic came up again during last night’s dinner conversation. the family was watching some korean tv drama and there was a scene where the lady insists on holding her own purse despite the man’s offer of carrying things for her. my family collectively praised the lady for doing so because she is preserving the image of her man. i guess i agree with that a little bit, and apparently korean ladies feel that way too. with that, i thought about what both genders would say about this issue, so i investigated a little.

there’s really only 3 positions to choose from:
1) it is good for a man to help carry purse
2) it is bad for a man to help carry purse
3) good/bad is circumstantial

frankly i find most people fall in the 3rd category, but there are a good portion of people in the 1st and 2nd. after interviewing some guys, the reasons for helping the lady carrying her purse include: it’s heavy, she’s carrying something else, and she’s tired. interestingly, nobody mentioned chivalry. similar reasons were also given by the girls. one gave an example of when the wife is holding the baby, it is reasonable to ask the man to help carry her purse. of the people who support position #2, their main reason is the preservation of the man’s image. a man holding a lady’s purse may be a repulsive image to some.

personally i think i fall into the 3rd category. i think my decision in holding the purse is very circumstantial. i guess it depends on how long i have to carry it, over what distance, for what reason, and the color of the purse. time and distance isnt really about the physical burden of carrying the purse. it’s more to do with exposure. firstly it doesnt look good to hold feminine objects in general. not just purses. for example, a man holding a box of tampons in a convenience store. not a comfortable image to picture. this is also related to the appearance of the purse. bright pink with glitters? no no no. dull black? acceptable. finally, there should be a good reason for holding the purse. for example, it’s too heavy for her, she’s holding the baby, she dropped her contact and wants to search for it, her shoelace is undone etc. there’s also 1 last condition i feel is very important in my willingness to hold the purse: the lady must be in close proximity. this is because an average person would be able to logically deduce that the purse belongs to the lady, not me. to sum up, i feel like there’s a line to be drawn between being kind and considerate to the lady and losing masculinity and dignity. and i’m a guy who draws that line.

all this pondering led me to another mystery: what do ladies carry in their handbags? why are their purses so heavy? there’s probably a whole list of things, but so far i’ve come up with some possible items: makeup, mirror, hand/face cream, phone, camera, sweater, keys, access cards, wallet, music device, book/magazine, female accessories.

furthermore, there are other questions to be investigated, possibly some time in the future:
- why not carry less stuff?
- why wear shoes that hurt their feet?

unagape, anagape

‘be more quiet now, and wait for a voice to say…’

-2

for the past year i’ve been spending a lot of time on apologetics. one of the things i’ve learned about atheists is that some of them have a smokescreen for their unbelief. some of them use things as an excuse not to believe in god. some of these barriers they put up really do deserve attention and should be more actively addressed by believers. but as i pondered about believers, nonbelievers, and this whole smokescreen idea, i saw my own reflection as i looked closer upon my imaginary thought cloud.

today i’ve coined the terms ‘Unagape’ and ‘Anagape’, describing unlove and without/lack of love respectively. having struggled with darkness for a while now, i’m starting to recover my analytical skills. i’ve always believed that it’s always easier to accept something if you understand it. my failures in relationships have always resulted in the spawning of a list of possible explanations for the shortcomings. but i dont stop there. there’s always time to theorize girls. sure there isnt a no one-theory-fits-all situation here, but hypothesizing girls will save u from tripping over by the same rock twice.

in my struggle with depression and bitterness, one central component is establishing who’s right and who’s wrong. it’s very important to me. if people say it’s my fault, i feel the need to defend myself. my friend called this pride. and he’s probably right, and i probably have to deal with that. but i can also call it apologetics too. but anyways, as i thought about my thinking process (grrrr…i think too much), i saw resemblance between the atheistic smokescreen and jilted ex boyfriend bitterness. my theories were my smokescreens. this realization broke me. it doesn’t mean my theories are invalid. it just means my pride is destroyed. i’m vulnerable again. i have nothing to hide behind. the root of the problem is, i’m still in love with her. i can’t escape from that truth anymore. in all my efforts in making theories and establishing who’s right and who’s wrong, i was just trying to explaining away love. i was looking for the reason to unlove, so that hopefully one day i can be without love.

i don’t want to love. i want unagape. love given without love returned exchanges for suffering. so if i am without love, anagape, i will never receive suffering. but wait a second. i still have a relationship, with God. and i have unloved him so many times, yet how can there still be a relationship? When i was unloving, God never thought of reasons not to love me. He never made a list of why i don’t deserve His love. He never wanted unagape. I continuously break his heart by not returning love, yet he still loves. why would He love me still? why is there this grace? why does He endure? what else can i do but love you back? i’ll surrender to truth. i choose to love and suffer. a girl once wrote on her wall ‘love until it hurts, then love some more.’ i think i’ll do just that.

my catch 22

‘I came down here to tell you, it rains in heaven all day long’

-3

this weekend sucked. was gonna do a lot of work but ended up doing so little. i couldn’t get much done at home for the past few days so i decided to go into school today and work there. ended up not doing anything there either. why? cuz i started thinking about things i shouldnt be thinking about. man i hate this emotional crap. everywhere u go, it follows u. and there’s stupid catch 22 if you’re still in school. u wanna get work done so u try to be alone, but emotional crap prevents u from thinking/focusing on your work. in order to free your mind from emotional crap, u go out/hang out with friends and focus on other stuff. but since you’re out and with other people, you can’t get any work done either. so you’re screwed either way. why do i always get screwed?

visited a certain fellowship at a certain church this weekend, and that sucked too. i walk in and i feel like i’ve just entered a frat house. except there’s no alcohol or mooning. i dunno why, but it felt like a big party to me. it was too charismatic, too young, too ‘cool’, it almost felt…superficial. i did talk to a few people and they were alrite. i’m sure they do great things as a church, but individually, i have to question whether people really go there for God, or if they go for friends and fun and events. the way the place was presented, kinda felt like a big marketing scheme, and maybe they’re not even aware of it themselves. granted, that type of setting would suit some people, especially young adults, so if it’s working for them then good for them. but personally i wasn’t too comfortable in that environment. like when the guy introduced the speaker for an upcoming series, he sounded like a DJ. ‘the next series is by justin ho…..er’body say hooooo!!!! (hooooooo!!!!), hoooooo!!!! (hoooooo!!!!!).’ i was quite turned off by that…

my sum total of pain

‘if i suddenly went blind, would you still look in my eyes?‘

was thinking about c s lewis on the bus going to school. he said that there is no aggregate sum of suffering. no one experiences the sum total of pain at any given moment during his/her lifetime. the sum total of 50 units of pain experienced by a 50 year old man still works out to be 1 unit of pain per year. under my current situation, i couldnt help but wonder ‘what is my sum total of pain so far?’

that’s pretty tough to estimate, since a score reflecting a degree of pain will be totally arbitrary. still though, it’d be interesting to know what the sum total would be. maybe i could start keeping score now. if i start giving score to the days i write on the this blog, and if i blog for a very long time, i could technically produce a graph charting my happy and sad days, like this:

By plotting such a graph, i could calculate the area under (or over) the curve to calculate my sum total of happiness versus pain. now that’s a pretty sad thing to do. yeah ok not gonna do it. maybe i could just have a scale of +10 (max happiness) to -10 (max pain), then add up all the numbers as time progresses. i wonder how long i can keep that up for… well anyways, today was a +3, and yesterday must’ve been a -8 or something…

i cry out ‘heaven save me’

whoever said ‘it can’t get any worse’ lied.

i can add a couple more to the previous list: no results, no degree, insomnia

wife or wifi

worked real slow today so im stuck in the lab for a while, good time to write down daily thoughts.

while i was on the bus going to school, i overheard somebody talking about either wifi or wife. and then i thought ‘would i rather have a wife or wifi right now?’ now that’s a random question. in fact i’m willing to bet nobody in the world has asked that question before. that’s right. 6.6 billion people in the world, and i’m the first guy to ask it. what a special moment for me.

i guess if i had to choose, i’d choose a wife. im sitting on a bus, i dont have my laptop in my bag. why would i need wifi? plus wifi is readily obtainable in hk. go to any relatively open area and chances are you’ll find it. they are security issues but that can be addressed quite easily. a wife is better than wifi because 1) you’ll have somebody to talk to on the bus. 2) she’s probably somebody you like and enjoy being with. and 3) they’re hard to get. the downside is you’ll have to take care of another person, and i’m in no condition for that right now.

which reminds me….my family has no property. this realization started 2 days ago when i was talking to my friend on the phone. she found it surprising that we’re renting our place. after some thought and conversations with a few other people, i realized most of my friends own their place. their family has property. their home is secure. they dont have to worry about where to go if a landlord decides to kick you out. wow i’m relatively poor compared to all my friends. which reminds me….my stupid landlord won’t fix the place, and the people living upstairs are jerks. water’s been dripping down from upstairs in my bathroom for 3 months now, and they still haven’t fixed it. arghhh…

it’s been a while since i unloaded my phone of random pictures i take. i wonder how to post pictures on here….

so in summary: no property, no money, no friends (most are abroad), no car, no job, no wife.

i have a phone though

fo real

another night of wakefulness. it’s time to write some stuff down again.
during my time away, i learned some stuff about myself. it’s been rough, but no pain no gain.

being real is important to me. i was reminded of that recently when i reflected on how i deal with depression. maybe it’s a personality thing, but whenever i’m depressed, i wanna be alone and face it head on. i go into my room, and i sit and think and feel it. if i’m sad, i’m going to let myself be sad. i’m gonna be real with myself and i’m going to behave exactly how i feel. other people like to occupy themselves with things to do, activities. taking up a dance class, going out with friends, shopping, etc. i guess it’s a natural response too. maybe even biological in a way. finding things to do to stop yourself from being sad. there are tons of articles on the web about this. it’s always ‘keep yourself busy’ or ‘treat yourself with things that make you happy’. but i have to wonder, is that a type of self-denial? distracting yourself with things, not confronting the problem?

i’ve never been able to be that type of person so i can’t relate. i’ve tried. but it just felt awkward to me. i’m out with a group of friends, and everyone’s laughing and bonding. but deep down, i’m still broken. i’m hurting. how can i be happy when i’m really not? i was fronting. i was a lie. i was lying to my friends and to myself. that can’t be me. fronting isn’t always bad though. it can protect your loved ones, so they don’t have to worry about you. but beyond that reason, i was just fooling myself. i have to hide in my room and let the world fall onto me. but that’s where the darkness creeps in. see this is why i’d like to know how people can deal with it the other way. i don’t know how to deal with the darkness. when you’ve reached the bottom of the bottomless pit of sorrow, everything becomes so dark. the enemy is next to you, and God seems far away. what can u do. sure you can pray, but what happens when nothing happens? i guess i still don’t get the power of prayer. maybe that’s why nothing happens. but how do i deal with this? do i really have to be the other guys? do i have to front and pretend im happy? i can’t be that guy.

i was alone. i was surrounded by darkness. and i was weak. i needed help. but there was no one around me. but i had to reach out to somebody. so i picked up the phone.