Everything and nothing – of orphans and riches

There are some days when you wake up expecting a rough day but life sometimes treats you well instead.  An amazing day started with meeting the President of a bible school I want to go to, but the afternoon got even better.

It’s been a year since I’ve made contact with the poor and the needy, people who’ve always been close to my heart, and today I spent a day with them.  Visiting on orphanage today reminded me of my childhood dream of building an orphanage.  I spent some time playing with the toddlers in the playground.  At first they were unresponsive, either because of shyness or maybe even fear.  Fear of strangers, fear of mistreatment.  These children had been abandoned by their parents because they have some physical/mental defect, but they were nothing less than ordinary children; they just want to be wanted and cared for.  The first 10 minutes were tough, as we tried to make a connection.  They were afraid of this stranger, and I was afraid of heightening their fear should I express my affections too quickly.  But I could tell they had hope, hope that these people would care for them and play with them, invest time into them.  After a while they warmed up to us, but there was this one boy who stayed on the edge.  With an underdeveloped (flat) nose, he held onto the bars of the playground fencing, looking outward as if he was wondering what was outside.  I felt heavy and burdened.  The orphanage is their world, they don’t have the privilege to travel so freely like the rest of us.  Was he also wondering where his parents were? Does he still remember them? I stayed with him as the rest of the group played in the middle.  After some time he warmed up to me too and took my outstretched hand as I offered to lead him to the other children.  We ran around, we climbed, we went down the slides.  He started chuckling as I lifted him up over my head and played ‘airplane’.  He was happy.  Maybe he felt loved.  I felt fulfilled.  Next we went to the severely handicapped.  These children were older but more disabled.  Some laid in cribs, unable to do anything because they have lost too many limbs.  And then there was this other boy who was blind.  He saw with his hands, constantly touching his way around, and he wouldnt let me wander too far lest I don’t come back.  He didn’t need somebody to be with him, but he wanted it.

On my way home, I reflected so much about the world in which we live and the messages it sends to us.  Once again I have experienced the polarity of life, separated by 2 hours of travel time.  And I have found a paradox.  On the surface, these kids have nothing; no family, no education, no freedom, maybe no future.  But they have everything.  They have innocence, joy, grace, thanksgiving, and lowly spirit.  They have the kingdom of heaven.  God provides for them.  Get back in the city and you will find those who seemingly have everything, but deep down they have nothing.  Worldly riches can get you access to worldly indulgences, but it can never bring you closer to God, and if you’re not careful, it would only contaminate your soul.

“Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” – Psalm 82:3-4

Grief is never in vain

‘It was damnation, and He took it lovingly.’ – J I Packer

5 years ago today, grandpa left us for the heavenly shores with Jesus.  The idea is hard to grasp, how it’s tragic but also beautiful at the same time.  Paul spoke of this, but I can never make sense of it if it was not for the cross of Christ, where death became life, where pain became joy, where man and God reconciled.

They say grief is the place where pain and love finally meet.  Most people perceive grief as a bad thing, but I would beg to differ sometimes.  I think grief is still love, but I guess what makes it so unattractive, and why most people avoid it at all cost, is the fact you need to experience pain with it.  See even after 5 years I still choose to grief over him, not because I have to but because I want to.  Maybe we’re so scared of pain that we choose to or in some cases force ourselves not to love sometimes; but isn’t love worth going through the suffering? God seemed to think so.  Jesus demonstrated so.

Love seems to be an inconvenient ordeal.  It’s hard. It’s usually taken for granted.  In fact, it’s probably dangerous.  Love is waking up an hour earlier to cook breakfast for your family; it’s a husband washing dishes and taking out the trash so she doesn’t have to; it’s a single mother working 3 jobs so her kids can have a shot at a brighter future; it’s a teacher who stays behind for hours with a struggling student to make sure he gets it; it’s a God who took my sins on the cross and gave me His righteousness. It’s choosing to suffer so others may be well.  How can that not humble me to suffer more for others, when the joy of love exceeds the momentary afflictions.  See I don’t believe suffering is ever in vain for the christian because, though it is painful, the inward joy is that I am counted worthy to suffer.  Am I worthy to suffer?  Maybe joy also comes in the mourning.

I love this story told by Paulo Coelho:
A young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. But an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said,
“Your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.”

The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly but full of scars. It had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in … but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. The young man looked at the old man’s heart and laughed.
“You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine … mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”

” “Yes,” said the old man, “Yours is perfect looking … but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love….. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them … and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges.
“ Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away … and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges … giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too … and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man.
The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart.
It fit …. but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.
The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his.

I don’t think grief is ever in vain. Even though you cannot bring them back, you heart is being perfected to reflect the heart of Christ.  Why do we grief over loss? Why do we visit cemeteries when we know they’re not even there? Grandpa, aunty Joyce, the cross of Christ.  People leave us, but they become a part of us; because if there was ever any love between you, you already gave a part of you to them.

Discerning truths, half-truths and falsity

List of ‘teachers’ whose messages I’d consider dangerous and/or unbiblical:

joel osteen
benny hinn
joseph prince
kong hee
td jakes
todd bentley
notable mention (questionable): bill johnson, joyce meyer

Who to read instead:

John Piper
John Stott
John Wesley
Jonathan Edwards
Charles Spurgeon
The Puritans
JI Packer
RC Sproul
AW Tozer

The price of leadership

‘Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? ⁶ And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong. Not that people will see that we have stood the test but that you will do what is right even though we may seem to have failed. For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth.’ – 2 Cor 13:5-9

Carrying the Label

Been thinking about the label ‘leader’ from my own experience.  What does it really mean to be a ‘leader’?  I’ve always carried this tag with me until recently, and I’ve never really cared much about it in a worldly sense.  To a lot of people (at least in church), the leader is the guy that’s always visible; his presence by being vocal, charismatic, friendly, accommodating, accepting.  This guy is always serving.  That’s the stereotype. But is that what a leader is? A people-pleaser? a ministry-pleaser?  Is quality of leadership measured by productivity and some approval rating among your peers?

The Substance

Vision is something of a prerequisite, but while this can certainly be influenced by your wise counsel and thus embody their wisdom and direction, some underlying answers never change.  Answers to these questions: Who am I as the person God created me to be, why has God put me in this position, what is the outcome that most glorifies Him, and how are these 3 connected in the grand scheme of His good and perfect plan for His work through me.

Wisdom.  I remember in one small group meeting we discussed what is one thing that drives you, and I said ‘wisdom’.  That remains true today.  Solomon starts his proverbs talking about the value of wisdom, and I have a feeling if I heed his words in that book, I will be a wise man.  Somebody decides to follow somebody else probably because they feel this guy knows better than himself.  And a wise person will recognize God is the source of wisdom.  ‘But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere’ – James 3:17

Confidence.  I feel like this word is quite a taboo word in church, we’re actually scared of it.  We’re so scared of confidence because if somebody claims to be confident, they risk being perceived as arrogant or not surrendered to Christ, or something crazy like that.  Because we’re supposed to imitate Christ; we’re supposed to be Christ-like, and apparently we don’t perceive Christ as a confident man.  In fact I’ve never heard the phrase ‘Jesus was confident’.  We all celebrate his other qualities like humility, meekness, obedience to the Father, sacrificial love, things like that, but we never really think of him as a confident guy.  Why is that?  If you’re a leader, you believe in yourself.  That doesn’t make you arrogant, it doesn’t make you prideful.  It just means you have an ideal, and you’re not afraid to make it a reality.

Ingredients of Leadership.  Some people have called it the 3Cs: Confidence, Competence, and Courage.

The Price of Leadership

The price of leadership is criticism (John Maxwell) .  It’s really not too hard to please everybody around you as long as you don’t have your own identity or convictions in your heart that stir up discomfort when they are violated. Aristotle once said: “Criticism is something you can avoid easily—by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”  I feel like every man faces a number of defining moments in his life that require him to make a choice (however unpopular) and whether or not he follows through tells you much about his character.  The great thing about life is that it’s a story; there’s a beginning and an ending and you are the main character, and the great thing about being in it is that you can make choices that will steer you towards the ending you want.  And someday, somebody (be it God or your offspring) will read your story.  You have to ask yourself: Is my life the story I want others to read? 2 Cor 3:2-3.

Oh yeah and confidence:

2 Cor 3:4

8 lessons of 2011

lists are cool;  i think people like lists. it’s so direct and clear.  here are my 8 lessons of 2011!

Be true to yourself.  You’re not being nice to yourself if you’re too nice to others.  You’re so afraid of upsetting people, so afraid of stepping on people’s toes that you change the way you think and change the way you speak.  As they say, don’t let your environment shape who you are; let who you are shape your environment.

Believe in yourself. You can do good and suffer for it.  You can speak out of love and be misunderstood because of it.  Let them call you arrogant.  Let them call you prideful.  Let them call you whatever they want; only answer to yourself to the ones that are true, and learn in humility.  Woe to you when all men speak well of you (Lk 6:26)

Always listen to counsel, but test everything against the Word.  Seek wisdom and counsel from those you trust and respect, but at the end of the day, the people who know you best are God and yourself.

Gentleness is true strength. Nothing is so strong as gentleness; nothing is so gentle as real strength – St. Francis de Sales.  Gentleness is recognizing the depravity of man, our potential to harm through our thoughts, words and our actions and instead choosing to potentiate love to this hurting world with kindness, meekness, and understanding. We touch to heal, we speak to comfort, we encourage to edify.  To be gentle is not to be weak, it’s choosing to remain powerful yet under control so that we can communicate love, hope, peace, and joy.

Be thankful for everything.  Seasons come and seasons go.  People come and people go.  You only have this life, so make every moment worth your time.  Be thankful for what you have, but continue to hope for greater things.  Cherish those who love you, they remind you what you’re living for.  Bless those who don’t, they tell you what you’re looking for.

Develop an obsessive compulsive disorder to bless.  Be a blessing to others, no matter what happens.  It’s gonna be tiring.  It’s gonna take perseverance.  People will take you for granted.  You’re gonna wanna quit after a week.  But God will take care of you, He promised.  If you’re living and you’re not making someone else’s life better, you’re wasting your time.  Be obsessed about doing good to others.  Be obsessed about giving your friends a better day.  Be obsessed about making others smile

Your mentality is the strongest determinant of your reality.  Your perception of people/situations has the greatest impact on the direction of your life.  Like those once popular ‘choose your own adventure’ books,  your life is also a story; but unlike them, it’s your story.  You’re not choosing for the character in the book anymore, but yourself.  Whether you adopt the glass-half-empty or glass-half-full mentality will dictate your perception of reality around you.  They say pessimism is a self-fulfilling prophecy and I think there’s some truth to that.  If somebody buys you something, there are really only 2 ways to look at it: 1) this person means well, 2) this person has ulterior motives.  Your mentality decides between trust/mistrust, faith/doubt, sincerity/mockery, reality/travesty.  Who do you trust?

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” – Walter Anderson

Hope is the most resilient persistent force in man.  It’s the hardest thing to kill…like multi-drug resistant bacteria, it refuses to die.  Mad persistence.  Respect.

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins. Not through strength, but through persistence. - HJ Brown

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. - Leo Buscaglia

Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.

Merry Christmas!

into the depths

‘True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.’

it’s been a good 2 months now and there’s been a lot of ebb and flow of emotions but it’s been a great lesson for me. in a very twisted way, i’m actually enjoying this period of chaos. how do you stay functional as a person when you’re dealing with work, school, moving houses, severe relational deprivation,  and polarizing periods of emotional paralysis versus overflow.  it’s definitely changed the way how i view life, people, and love. it was really astonishing how nobody reached out to me in the 1st month.  that was something totally unexpected, and it reflects how divided and disunified the fellowship has become.  a few bros did reach out to me to see how i was doing but the weird thing was that i’d only known these guys for a few months, compared to all these other guys who’s shared years of friendship with me.  i mean we weren’t extremely close, but you’d think they’d at least give me a call or send me a short text to see how i was doing.  oh well.

they say no matter what the situation you’re in, there’s always something good you can take from it. whatever experience you go through adds to your own wisdom and character.  one year seems like nothing in a lifetime, but you can probably learn more from a year of hardship than 10 years of contentment.  most people, after a breakup, would try everything they can to keep themselves busy, focus on other things, move on and look forward instead of backwards, ignoring their feelings or suppressing them or diverting it to something else.  that’s been consistent with the advice i had been given by everybody around me. but i’ve pretty much ignored every single one of them. the funny thing is, i can never be something i am not. i can never act happy when i am sad, i can never pretend im ok when i’m not.  different people handle different situations differently for differing reasons or motives. that’s a lot of different forms of difference in that one sentence. i can never be something i’m not. life’s already complicated enough, why would i want to add a layer of falsehood in my life? i’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong to hide your feelings in certain situations; there’s certainly merit for acting socially appropriate in particular settings. but when it comes to post-breakup behavior, i dont find anything commendable about putting on a happy face, or deliberately keeping yourself preoccupied to minimize the downtime you might need to face once the lights are turned off. sure i understand the reasoning behind it. surround yourself with things or people and you won’t get an opportunity to dwell on things. it’s an escape mechanism. act happy on the outside and you start to feel better on the inside, there’s some psychological truths to that.  but i can never lie to myself. behaving/acting contrary to my own feelings is too unnatural.  it’s like a form of self-denial. that’s why i’ve ignored everybody’s advice.

for me, i’ve rejected the conventional method of dealing with breakups by escaping into busyness or self-denial. instead i’m defying the system. everybody’s trying to so hard to avoid hitting rock bottom? i’m diving right towards it. they all think im crazy, but its the only way that makes sense to me. how can i pretend everything’s ok, going out and doing things like nothing’s happened? sure life goes on, but it’s a tragic situation. it’s supposed to be. the next step in the logical progression is to grief and mourn, isnt it? i’ve often wondered how well people recover if they were honest about their feelings and allowed themselves to be depressed for a natural period of time, as opposed to those who choose to drown themselves in busyness. i suspect that those who keep themselves busy and pretend everything is fine, their healing process will take longer, and actually gain a lot of baggage; those who face it head on, they allow themselves to descend into the depths of the valley where they’ll experience great sorrow and heaviness, but their healing will be real and complete. you’ll need support, lest you fall into clinical depression.

i’m not gonna deny myself. love always glorifies God. it cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor should it be hidden where it truly does.

travesty of love and joy

oh the bitterness….

i’ve been doing a lot of reflection in this state of internal conflict.  it’s been depressing to come to the conclusion that we have failed to be in the world but not of the world (John 15:19). maybe it’s bitterness, maybe it’s shaping up again after compromising, maybe it’s truth revealed, but whatever this is, it’s making me highly critical of our values.

personally i think we’re really lovin materialism, even if we’re not aware of it ourselves. there are a lot of reasons why, you can say the way you were brought up and the environment you grew up in are huge determinants to your current values. sadly we haven’t been able to depart from this senselessness for whatever reason, and we remain blinded with both eyes open. we’re all like cattle, being horded along the shifting ideals of culture and time, totally oblivious to the pollution of our values. it’s so easy to let the current take you where it goes (argumentum ad populum?).  nowadays, we live in a world of stuff. consumerism. materialism. capitalism. we let the world tell us what we don’t have and forget what we do have, then we go out and get it, then after getting it the world tells us they have a new model out, then we look at our old model and suddenly it’s less satisfying because the world tells us its value has depreciated, so then we develop this urge to get the new one, then we perpetuate this vicious cycle of materialism and consumerism. we look for things outside of us to satisfy us when the real problem is inside and yet we stuff ourselves to mask the deep gaping holes, and we numb ourselves with temporary pleasures.

it’s not like the old days, when people were just happy they had food on their tables. it’s all too easy now. there are so many choices. so much competition. so much pride on being the best and owning the best. consumers thought they would be more happy as companies battle themselves out to provide the best products/services, but research shows having too many choices has actually diminished our joy. we can no longer find simple joy. instead we spend our time researching, comparing, weighing options, looking for the best deal. all the research tire us out. all the comparisons are stupefying. buying prematurely and missing out on a discount sale breeds regret, self-blame and disappointment. we’re simply too hard to please. we are not thankful, not grateful, not appreciative. we look around and see other people with stuff and we feel jealous, as if we are also entitled to what they have. spoiled and immature generation.

Unfortunately, this childish mentality has spread into the realm of interpersonal relationships. love is the next casualty. old-fashion love doesnt exist anymore. it’s about expressions of appearance. presentation. face. luxury. quality service. taste. lifestyle. factors that are somewhat measurable by $$$. where are we gonna eat? what are we gonna wear? what will people think if they see us here? how are we gonna live up to people’s impression of us? somewhere along the way, we lost who we are, and we let people define us for us. we bought into their definitions of what we are supposed to be. we let the world measure us by their standards, and we feel inadequate if we don’t measure up.  we are hungry for their approval, so desperate for acceptance.  research shows self-esteem and materialism share a negatively-correlated causal relationship. low self-esteem drives us to buy things that will make us feel better about ourselves because people will think well of us. people who are secure with themselves and their own identity don’t have this problem.

we only put our trust in things we can measure. love is sadly diminished to how much you are willing to spend on someone. how much you spend on someone apparently is a reflection of how deep your love is for that person. why? because it’s measurable. what about honesty. integrity. sacrifice. sensitivity. gentleness. respect. humility. heart.  they’re not explicit, not measurable, not tangible, not visible. if i can’t measure it, i can’t place a value on it.  our values have been corrupted. its influence infiltrating our churches. the multitude of ‘me’ messages has beguiled the masses.

A good friend reminded me of John Wesley, who did not let his expenditure rise with his income.  He believed that what should rise is not the Christian’s standard of living but the standard of giving. As his income increased, his expenditure stayed the same, living on 28 pounds. When he made 30 pounds and lived on 28 pounds, he gave away 2 pounds.  At one point, when his income reached a little over 1400, he continued to live humbly on 30 pounds, giving away 1400. Wesley limited his expenditures by not buying things thought to be non-essential for his life.  Moreover, he identified the needs of the poor, saying: ‘What I save from my own meat will feed another that else would have none.‘

this is not the mentality we have in our churches anymore. though Wesley’s way of giving may not be replicable today, sadly, a lot of us will use this as an excuse to justify our expenditures. too radical? or is it biblical?

Remember your Creator
   in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
   and the years approach when you will say,
   “I find no pleasure in them”

Remember him—before the silver cord is severed,
   and the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
   and the wheel broken at the well,
and the dust returns to the ground it came from,
   and the spirit returns to God who gave it.

The affluent christian

alrite i got beef with christians who have this mindset of entitlement.  first of all there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself well, but i think some people in the church get carried away.  and the interpretation of ‘well’, we defining it based on what the world tells us or what the bible tells us?

where is our desire to be more christ-like? church is only a building. to be honest it’s not much more different than any other building.  a wise man once said to me ‘the church is like a hospital, it’s filled with people who need help. but more uniquely, spiritual help.’ we in the church are too easily influenced by the world.  i dunno what it is. maybe we watch too much tv. maybe it’s all the advertising. the enemy can use anything to plant seeds of unholiness into our minds and hearts. what advertising does is essentially tell us what we don’t have, making us focus on that, and inferably, forget what we have already. we’re just not thankful for what we have anymore. we just don’t know how to appreciate things anymore.  it’s so pathetic, people upgrade from a small house to a big house, then something happens to them and now they think they’re too good to downgrade back to a small house again. you wear branded clothes, you can’t go back to regular clothes.  you eat in expensive restaurants, you can’t go back to street food.  be thankful you have money for food at all, children. why can’t we live a little less comfortably and give a little more to missionaries or those in need? why can’t we drive a lexus instead of a benz and care a little less about what our ‘friends’ think of our ride?

we don’t deserve anything. so don’t feel entitled to anything.

give more and take less.

Am I narcissistic?

being harshly criticized for not caring about about somebody’s feelings, for loving myself more than this person, for putting myself first instead of this person, i ended up doing this test.  Do i really not care about people?  Do i really only care about myself, or is this a healthy dose of self-esteem that I am living with?

results show i am generally low in everything except i have medium superiority.  does this mean i have some sort of superiority complex? hardly.  i scored so low overall. and i answered all the questions as honestly as i can.  i don’t understand. i think i’m just enjoying some healthy male self-esteem, healthy male ego.  sure i like being superior, that’s why i like sports.  i like winning.  and i think it’s healthy. it’s manly.  anybody who likes losing has some self-esteem issues.  anybody who wants to succeed must believe in themselves, must have that desire to be on top, that drive to be the best, and that’s normal.  what’s not right is if you go out of your way to make people look bad while getting to the top. or cheating. or stop caring for people along the way.  but generally i feel im ok. on the contrary i’m even below average, well below…..which might actually be a problem.

i have a problem

i don’t like admitting im wrong, but every once in a while when i do get the time to sit and reflect, i discover things about myself that really disappoints, even for me.  i’ve always had a good amount of self-esteem, which is why i normally operate quite normally and happily and people do see that and appreciate it.  but when i discover insufficiencies about myself through people or myself, i get quite down because i know i can be better than this.  i really spent time to think and cry and humbly allow the spirit to lead me to the conclusion that i am only a blessing to others when i feel happy or blessed myself.  whenever i’m doing well, i am so willing and eager to bless people and love them.  but when i am down, i become so selfish and don’t want to care for others, because i am not well myself, how can i care for others.

i’m trying to figure this out. i’ve always been true and real to myself and to others, and even now i admit i cannot care for people when i am down.  i guess you can make sense of it quite easily by thinking ‘well of course, how can you pick someone up if you’ve fallen down yourself?’.  but is this selfish? i ask myself, when i am down, am i so focused on myself, waiting for things to get better for myself, that i become insensitive to the other people around me? i praise God for revealing this to me. but how can i change? how can i do something about it? how do you pick someone up with you are down yourself? if i care for others when im down, would i be just faking it? can i deny myself and care for others but still be real at the same time?

i’ll just have to stop caring about myself and trust that God will take care of me instead.