into the depths

‘True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.’

it’s been a good 2 months now and there’s been a lot of ebb and flow of emotions but it’s been a great lesson for me. in a very twisted way, i’m actually enjoying this period of chaos. how do you stay functional as a person when you’re dealing with work, school, moving houses, severe relational deprivation,  and polarizing periods of emotional paralysis versus overflow.  it’s definitely changed the way how i view life, people, and love. it was really astonishing how nobody reached out to me in the 1st month.  that was something totally unexpected, and it reflects how divided and disunified the fellowship has become.  a few bros did reach out to me to see how i was doing but the weird thing was that i’d only known these guys for a few months, compared to all these other guys who’s shared years of friendship with me.  i mean we weren’t extremely close, but you’d think they’d at least give me a call or send me a short text to see how i was doing.  oh well.

they say no matter what the situation you’re in, there’s always something good you can take from it. whatever experience you go through adds to your own wisdom and character.  one year seems like nothing in a lifetime, but you can probably learn more from a year of hardship than 10 years of contentment.  most people, after a breakup, would try everything they can to keep themselves busy, focus on other things, move on and look forward instead of backwards, ignoring their feelings or suppressing them or diverting it to something else.  that’s been consistent with the advice i had been given by everybody around me. but i’ve pretty much ignored every single one of them. the funny thing is, i can never be something i am not. i can never act happy when i am sad, i can never pretend im ok when i’m not.  different people handle different situations differently for differing reasons or motives. that’s a lot of different forms of difference in that one sentence. i can never be something i’m not. life’s already complicated enough, why would i want to add a layer of falsehood in my life? i’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong to hide your feelings in certain situations; there’s certainly merit for acting socially appropriate in particular settings. but when it comes to post-breakup behavior, i dont find anything commendable about putting on a happy face, or deliberately keeping yourself preoccupied to minimize the downtime you might need to face once the lights are turned off. sure i understand the reasoning behind it. surround yourself with things or people and you won’t get an opportunity to dwell on things. it’s an escape mechanism. act happy on the outside and you start to feel better on the inside, there’s some psychological truths to that.  but i can never lie to myself. behaving/acting contrary to my own feelings is too unnatural.  it’s like a form of self-denial. that’s why i’ve ignored everybody’s advice.

for me, i’ve rejected the conventional method of dealing with breakups by escaping into busyness or self-denial. instead i’m defying the system. everybody’s trying to so hard to avoid hitting rock bottom? i’m diving right towards it. they all think im crazy, but its the only way that makes sense to me. how can i pretend everything’s ok, going out and doing things like nothing’s happened? sure life goes on, but it’s a tragic situation. it’s supposed to be. the next step in the logical progression is to grief and mourn, isnt it? i’ve often wondered how well people recover if they were honest about their feelings and allowed themselves to be depressed for a natural period of time, as opposed to those who choose to drown themselves in busyness. i suspect that those who keep themselves busy and pretend everything is fine, their healing process will take longer, and actually gain a lot of baggage; those who face it head on, they allow themselves to descend into the depths of the valley where they’ll experience great sorrow and heaviness, but their healing will be real and complete. you’ll need support, lest you fall into clinical depression.

i’m not gonna deny myself. love always glorifies God. it cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor should it be hidden where it truly does.

travesty of love and joy

oh the bitterness….

i’ve been doing a lot of reflection in this state of internal conflict.  it’s been depressing to come to the conclusion that we have failed to be in the world but not of the world (John 15:19). maybe it’s bitterness, maybe it’s shaping up again after compromising, maybe it’s truth revealed, but whatever this is, it’s making me highly critical of our values.

personally i think we’re really lovin materialism, even if we’re not aware of it ourselves. there are a lot of reasons why, you can say the way you were brought up and the environment you grew up in are huge determinants to your current values. sadly we haven’t been able to depart from this senselessness for whatever reason, and we remain blinded with both eyes open. we’re all like cattle, being horded along the shifting ideals of culture and time, totally oblivious to the pollution of our values. it’s so easy to let the current take you where it goes (argumentum ad populum?).  nowadays, we live in a world of stuff. consumerism. materialism. capitalism. we let the world tell us what we don’t have and forget what we do have, then we go out and get it, then after getting it the world tells us they have a new model out, then we look at our old model and suddenly it’s less satisfying because the world tells us its value has depreciated, so then we develop this urge to get the new one, then we perpetuate this vicious cycle of materialism and consumerism. we look for things outside of us to satisfy us when the real problem is inside and yet we stuff ourselves to mask the deep gaping holes, and we numb ourselves with temporary pleasures.

it’s not like the old days, when people were just happy they had food on their tables. it’s all too easy now. there are so many choices. so much competition. so much pride on being the best and owning the best. consumers thought they would be more happy as companies battle themselves out to provide the best products/services, but research shows having too many choices has actually diminished our joy. we can no longer find simple joy. instead we spend our time researching, comparing, weighing options, looking for the best deal. all the research tire us out. all the comparisons are stupefying. buying prematurely and missing out on a discount sale breeds regret, self-blame and disappointment. we’re simply too hard to please. we are not thankful, not grateful, not appreciative. we look around and see other people with stuff and we feel jealous, as if we are also entitled to what they have. spoiled and immature generation.

Unfortunately, this childish mentality has spread into the realm of interpersonal relationships. love is the next casualty. old-fashion love doesnt exist anymore. it’s about expressions of appearance. presentation. face. luxury. quality service. taste. lifestyle. factors that are somewhat measurable by $$$. where are we gonna eat? what are we gonna wear? what will people think if they see us here? how are we gonna live up to people’s impression of us? somewhere along the way, we lost who we are, and we let people define us for us. we bought into their definitions of what we are supposed to be. we let the world measure us by their standards, and we feel inadequate if we don’t measure up.  we are hungry for their approval, so desperate for acceptance.  research shows self-esteem and materialism share a negatively-correlated causal relationship. low self-esteem drives us to buy things that will make us feel better about ourselves because people will think well of us. people who are secure with themselves and their own identity don’t have this problem.

we only put our trust in things we can measure. love is sadly diminished to how much you are willing to spend on someone. how much you spend on someone apparently is a reflection of how deep your love is for that person. why? because it’s measurable. what about honesty. integrity. sacrifice. sensitivity. gentleness. respect. humility. heart.  they’re not explicit, not measurable, not tangible, not visible. if i can’t measure it, i can’t place a value on it.  our values have been corrupted. its influence infiltrating our churches. the multitude of ‘me’ messages has beguiled the masses.

A good friend reminded me of John Wesley, who did not let his expenditure rise with his income.  He believed that what should rise is not the Christian’s standard of living but the standard of giving. As his income increased, his expenditure stayed the same, living on 28 pounds. When he made 30 pounds and lived on 28 pounds, he gave away 2 pounds.  At one point, when his income reached a little over 1400, he continued to live humbly on 30 pounds, giving away 1400. Wesley limited his expenditures by not buying things thought to be non-essential for his life.  Moreover, he identified the needs of the poor, saying: ‘What I save from my own meat will feed another that else would have none.‘

this is not the mentality we have in our churches anymore. though Wesley’s way of giving may not be replicable today, sadly, a lot of us will use this as an excuse to justify our expenditures. too radical? or is it biblical?

Remember your Creator
   in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
   and the years approach when you will say,
   “I find no pleasure in them”

Remember him—before the silver cord is severed,
   and the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
   and the wheel broken at the well,
and the dust returns to the ground it came from,
   and the spirit returns to God who gave it.