unagape, anagape

‘be more quiet now, and wait for a voice to say…’

-2

for the past year i’ve been spending a lot of time on apologetics. one of the things i’ve learned about atheists is that some of them have a smokescreen for their unbelief. some of them use things as an excuse not to believe in god. some of these barriers they put up really do deserve attention and should be more actively addressed by believers. but as i pondered about believers, nonbelievers, and this whole smokescreen idea, i saw my own reflection as i looked closer upon my imaginary thought cloud.

today i’ve coined the terms ‘Unagape’ and ‘Anagape’, describing unlove and without/lack of love respectively. having struggled with darkness for a while now, i’m starting to recover my analytical skills. i’ve always believed that it’s always easier to accept something if you understand it. my failures in relationships have always resulted in the spawning of a list of possible explanations for the shortcomings. but i dont stop there. there’s always time to theorize girls. sure there isnt a no one-theory-fits-all situation here, but hypothesizing girls will save u from tripping over by the same rock twice.

in my struggle with depression and bitterness, one central component is establishing who’s right and who’s wrong. it’s very important to me. if people say it’s my fault, i feel the need to defend myself. my friend called this pride. and he’s probably right, and i probably have to deal with that. but i can also call it apologetics too. but anyways, as i thought about my thinking process (grrrr…i think too much), i saw resemblance between the atheistic smokescreen and jilted ex boyfriend bitterness. my theories were my smokescreens. this realization broke me. it doesn’t mean my theories are invalid. it just means my pride is destroyed. i’m vulnerable again. i have nothing to hide behind. the root of the problem is, i’m still in love with her. i can’t escape from that truth anymore. in all my efforts in making theories and establishing who’s right and who’s wrong, i was just trying to explaining away love. i was looking for the reason to unlove, so that hopefully one day i can be without love.

i don’t want to love. i want unagape. love given without love returned exchanges for suffering. so if i am without love, anagape, i will never receive suffering. but wait a second. i still have a relationship, with God. and i have unloved him so many times, yet how can there still be a relationship? When i was unloving, God never thought of reasons not to love me. He never made a list of why i don’t deserve His love. He never wanted unagape. I continuously break his heart by not returning love, yet he still loves. why would He love me still? why is there this grace? why does He endure? what else can i do but love you back? i’ll surrender to truth. i choose to love and suffer. a girl once wrote on her wall ‘love until it hurts, then love some more.’ i think i’ll do just that.

~ by jontyc on July 25, 2008.