going through my phases

today i woke up and i was sick of myself. why do i always blame myself whenever stuff goes wrong? why do i do that? owning up to your responsibility is the right thing to do, but taking responsibility for things that aint entirely your fault is just being irresponsible to yourself. why do i take blame? i hate that. maybe if i take the blame, then everybody else will be happy? why do i think like that. im done with the self-blaming. it aint my fault. next phase please.

as i stepped into a new phase, i thought about the previous phases, and projected the upcoming ones:

at first i went through the ‘wth’ phase where u dont know what exactly happened and dont know how to react yet. maybe there was a bit of denial, but generally there was confusion.

then there was the ‘reality phase’ where u begin to accept what has happened and u start to feel upset about it.

the next phase was the ’self-blaming’ phase. this phase is usually exceptionally long for me, and i hate it. u blame yourself for everything that didnt work out. mentally exhausting and distracting. u think about what went wrong, why they went wrong, and what part did u play in the wrong-ing of these wrongs. u think about all your bad qualities, and all her good qualities. you’re falling down a bottomless pit and she’s up on a celestial platform. u can’t help it, your mind gets hijacked by negativity. and then the enemy attacks, whenever and whereever. in the bed, in front of the computer, on the bus, in the lab, in surgery. u can either pray/read or u occupy yourself with something. but God is good, and i didn’t do anything stupid.

now i think i’m entering the ‘go on the offense’ phase. aka angry phase. i love this phase. i’m the king here. u justify yourself, and u are convinced u did exceptionally well. the fault is the other person’s. u did nothing wrong, she’s the one at fault. there’s brainstorming of a list of ’she’s the one who…’ items. there’s rock music. there’s liberation. there’s victory over negativity. there’s journalling of angry letters. there’s video gaming. there’s doing pushups and adrenaline.

there is a ‘progress-dependent regression’ phase. if angry phase was too short or not macho enough, one might fall back to self-blame phase. if u fall into this phase, u need to man up.

there’s probably a transitional period into a ‘don’t care’ phase. self explainatory.

eventually there’ll be a ‘resolution’ phase where everything goes back to normal except there may be the occasional ‘what could’ve been’ or ‘nostalgic reminiscing’ moments, which will also diminish over time.

~ by jontyc on June 18, 2008.