between a rock and a hard place

“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world” CS Lewis

relationships are so complex.  much more so if you have long history with the person.  parent-children relationships are the same.  fighting with my parents are usually unfruitful, but this time it made me realise some things about myself.  having spent my life split between 2 places, going back and forth all the time, i can honestly say i am quite a culturally confused man.  i aint quite whitewashed enough to mix with the westerners, and not quite asian enough to mingle with the locals.  thinking about it, ive always felt like im stuck somewhere in between.  not musically inclined but can strum a few chords on a gtar.  well educated but never the top student.  athletic but never outstanding.  good but not great.  i’m always in the middle. im jalcolm in the middle…

this fight originated from my inability to cope with hk thus far.  life is simply too overwhelming.  theres always something to tend to. and when you finally find some peace, life swoops in and takes it away from you.  i never like talking with my parents, because i simply cannot have a normal discussion with them.  first theres the whole language barrier, and then there’s the different culture and values thing.  so what happens is a viscious cycle of me trying to share my feelings about something, them interpreting it as ‘rebellion’ if it isnt in line with their beliefs, me trying to defend and justify my feelings, them accusing me of being immature and irrational, both sides getting hurt, silent treatment, resolution, me suppressing my feelings about something, internal pressure gets too overwhelming triggering me to share feelings, me trying to share feelings again.  it’s ridiculous. do i have to pretend everything is ok just to keep them happy? or do i fight for what i believe in, fight for what i want and hurting them in the process?  im stuck in the middle again…

hot or cold

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” - C S Lewis

i’ve been writing about love and relationships a lot for the past year, and i think its cuz i’ve reached that stage in life where u have to work this stuff out. ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything, and that time for a relationship is now. previously i searched and ultimately had to give up (chap 3 v 6); now i feel like i have to search again. it’s funny how sometimes we feel apologetic about the idea that we’re looking for our life partner, as if we don’t wanna come off as desperate or untrusting to God. but it is God who says, ‘it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’. and previously i went on and on about how this helper has to be committed to following me and helping me in my ministry, whatever God calls me to do. i dont know who this person is, but she probably has similar callings/passions/values as me. lately with the things going on in my life, it kinda got me thinking about defining relationships. in revelations 3:15-16, God was saying to the church of laodicea ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!…because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.’ God wants us to either be on fire for him, or be ice cold. at least we know where we stand. if we’re on fire for God, great. if we’re against God, then it’s probably better for us to chase after the things of the world, realize there is only emptiness, and ultimately see the errors of our ways and run back to God. as i was thinking about this, i kinda saw the parallels in relationships. things always get messy when you’re stuck in the middle doesnt it? are we friends, are we more? should we be less? i can even see this in friendship relationships. you ever meet someone, and got to know them for like a day, and then lose contact for a long time, and then after awhile u see them again on the street, and you don’t know if you should say hi? u start thinking ‘does this person remember me?’ and ‘if i said hi, would i initiate a very awkward conversation?’ wouldnt it be better if the person was either a close friend or a complete stranger? likewise, in romantic relationships, i think i’d rather it be hot or cold, and not get stuck in the middle. pursue or abandon. commit or not commit. stay or go. fight or flight. all or nothing. action potential or no action potential. love or indifference (incidentally, hate is not the opposite of love, but that’s a whole other topic).

on a lighter note, another website called christian-bloggers.com took notice of my ravi post lol. ravi is too influential.

loss of identity

‘I gave it all away and I lost who I am…’ - Switchfoot

for the past 2 months, i’ve been feeling pretty out of place. so disconnected. why am i here? in hk? what calling am i fulfilling in this place? what is my purpose here? my meaning? all these questions fill my head. i guess i’ve always wondered but never seriously thought about it, but they’ve resurfaced following my last ditch effort to salvage a blessing of the past a while back.

after spending time reflecting, i realised that hk has never felt like home for me. i think this feeling is heavily influenced by my upbringing. sure i was born here, but i dont have a single good memory about this place from my childhood. all i remember were the bad things that happened to me. gettin hit if i don’t do well in school, being called lazy and useless by teachers , getting blamed in school for stuff i had nothing to do with, getting shoved down the stairs, listening to my parents fight on a weekly basis….. but after moving abroad, everything felt so much better. my dad was still working in hk, which meant my parents werent always in the same room fighting. we had a house, which meant more space and freedom. teachers at school were nice, the kids were cool too. i was always singing solo in the school choir. i felt appreciated, valued. i really miss those times. i miss the freedom. eventually, we moved back to hk, the fights resumed, and my parents divorced. they were hurt and broken. the family was broken. but i was fine. i lived with my grandparents, and didnt have to put up with my parents anymore. went to an international school and i was fine. but looking back at how my life’s been shaped, it makes sense that i dont feel particularly attached to hk. i’ve adapted to the western culture since i was 7, i can’t mingle with the locals, i’m allergic to hk air. so many cars. so many people. so much noise.

i am blessed in many ways, good family, good church, good job. yet there is emptiness. indeed i lost a emotional pillar of support. you know they say the best way to move on with your life is to fill it with other interests, to expand your world or whatever the phrase is. so i do that. i fill with job, tutoring, family, and the church. i serve in sunday school, i lead a small group. i lead worship. i start a daily scripture reading. i’m exhausted. in the midst of all this busyness….i’ve slowly lost my sense of purpose. why am i doing all these things again? why am i here? what am i trying to be? i began to question whether if i knew who i am. they give me projects at work and i do them. my family asks me to spend time with them, so i do. they ask me to help out with the sunday school, so i help. they ask me to lead worship, so i lead. start a small group? ok. but i do this at what cost? am i burning out? have i become a slave to the people around me? just because i care? paul says in 1 Corinthians 9 ‘Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible….I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.’, but i don’t think this is what he meant. must i lose myself in order to find myself again? must i fill my life with so many things in order to move on? everything i have, i consider it as lost…..but do i have to lose my identity in the process?

Ravi signed my bible!

‘Understand what marriage is all about. Understand the beauty of it, what it is that God really intended for in marriage; when two people dont come in 50 50, they come in 100 and 100, and each are willing to totally submit to the other person, and draw the best out of the other…’ – Ravi Zacharias

Ravi Zacharias is in HK!

I went to his session yesterday, and it was very intellectually fulfilling

Afterwards, I went up to him and took a picture with him, and he signed my bible !!!!!!!!!!!  Such a cool guy!

I should go to his other session tonight and ask him really tough questions :D:D:D

I know who she will be (pt. 2)

‘When a pastor in South Africa goes to prison for his peaceful protest, when a social worker moves into an urban ghetto, when a couple refuses to give up on a difficult marriage, when a parent waits with undying hope and forgiveness for the return of an estranged child, when a young professional resists mounting temptations toward wealth and success - in all these sufferings, large and small, there is the assurance of a deeper level of meaning, of a sharing in Christ’s own redemptive victory.’ – P. Yancey

every relationship will ineluctably face obstacles. paul says ‘but those who marry will face many troubles in this life’ – 1 Cor 7:28 ; yet so many of us are looking for the right person we can spend our life with. what is it within us that so strongly desires a life partner? the psalmist spoke so much on trouble, and how in those times God will deliver us.  but if we know marriage brings trouble, why do we want it? because the reward, that near perfect love, is far greater than the risk. simply put, it’s worth it.

but love cannot be without sacrifice, putting someone else’s need above your own. putting someone else’s priority above your own. ‘This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers (and sisters).’ in essence, if you can put someone’s life above your own, then you know that you love this person with Christ-like love. and i thank God for teaching me how to do that.

still, love never asks for anything in return, when you pour your heart into something, and there’s no return, there is huge suffering. there’s an expectation for that love to be returned. i dont think it’s possible to love without expecting a return. thus the temptation is to look somewhere else for a return…usually someone else.

i hate this temptation. i dont wanna look for someone to merely fill a void, to merely meet my short-term needs. rebounding – relationships created at a time when a person is most vulnerable and needs to dull the pain of loss and loneliness. to ease the hurt and devastation of a breakup. using someone to get over the last one. masking unresolved feelings for the last person by fooling yourself into feeling something for a new person. i’m sure it works to some extent….but at the cost of someone else’s emotional welfare? can’t do it.

one day at work as i was thinking about all this…i had a revelation. after breaking up with someone, one might pray a prayer like ‘God please help me stop loving this person..’ but then i thought, loving someone can never be bad. so why would i want to stop loving somebody. thus i arrived at ‘love transfer’, instead of trying to unlove someone, use that love on an unselfish cause. there are so many people out there who just needs anybody to care for them. someone to listen. someone to give them meaning. someone to understand. someone to tell them there’s a Savior.
i have to find these people. or go on missions again. i’ve been living in comfort for too long. i need to ’suffer’, because there are people who are truly suffering. i can’t live in apathy. i can’t live in security. there is no breakthrough here. She will feel the same.

getting late, no time to finish, need a pt 3.

noodles = stress

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
- Matthew 11:28

before i write a pt 2, i need to get something off my mind. i’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time.

i want to write about the problem with noodles. do you prefer having rice or noodles? personally, i have a high preference for rice. why? because i feel that noodles is a stressful food.
noodles is so stressful.  especially noodles in soup.  and here are a few reasons why:

1) the waiter comes and brings you your noodle soup, and guess what? you can’t eat it right away because it’s too hot.  so you gotta spend some time waiting for the soup to cool.

2) usually you don’t just wait for your noodles to cool.  you cool it yourself.  so you pick up some noodles, raise it above your soup, and blow at it.  now this blowing action isnt elegant or graceful at all. and it’s hard work.  you gotta deliberately inhale and aim your exhalation at your food, thus interrupting your normal breathing rhythm.  moreover, if you’re eating with someone, you’re interrupting your own conversation.  and then it’s like your mentally debating:  ’should i finish my sentence or should i blow?’

3) after you’re out of breath, you start eating your noodles, but then you realize you have to face another adversity.  your noodles are slippery.  now depending on the type of noodle you’re dealing with, picking up your noodles with your chopsticks may be quite challenging.  it just slips off.  even if you’re an experienced chopstick enthusiast, your noodles will still want to escape.  and then when it falls back into your soup, it makes a soup splash that goes all over your table and sometimes onto your shirt.  and then you’re like ‘whyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!’.

4) after a few momemts to recompose yourself, you try again and this time, you get the bugger into your mouth.  but the battle’s not over….cuz the noodles are long.  now it’s the classic struggle between man and noodle.  and another thing; do you slurp it or pull the noodle up with ur chopstick or what else can u do… tough decisions cuz u don’t know how long those couple of noodle are.  you could just bite it off at some point.  that seems to be wise.

5) whatever u end up doing, noodles always seem to want to flick soup at you with its end.  i hate that, especially when i’m eating in front of my computer, and noodles keep on flicking soup at my keyboard, which is already hard to clean in itself.

6) and one more thing that irritates me about noodles: it’s a race against time.  this one applies to noodle soup only, but unlike rice, you can’t leave your noodles idle for too long, cuz it starts absorbing the soup, transforming into fat noodles.  fat noodles are not enjoyable, and they guilt trip you.  you look at fat noodles and they say to you: ‘if only u had eaten faster…’.  and then u feel stressed, cuz u dont wanna waste food but u dont wanna eat fat noodles either.

and thats why rice is the clear choice for me.  so much more managable.  so much more cooperative.  at the very least, something with no soup.  why does eating have to be so stressful?  why? why?

I know who she will be (pt. 1)

‘ Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.’ – Roger de Rabutin

i’ve always looked up to couples who overcome all obstacles to be together. cuz whenever i see these people, i know they’ve found a piece of heaven on earth. i dont think there’s anyone in the world who wouldn’t want that. i know i do. and i know because of my upbringing, it’s something very important to me. growing up in a broken home, and not living with both my parents since i was 7, love’s always been lacking. but there’s beauty in the broken. i thank God for the childhood He’s given me because, as messed up and deprived as it looks on the outside, He gave me a high capacity to love. it’s a blessing and a curse at the same time really…..when i love someone, i love with everything i got. but on the flip side, when i am hurt, i hurt long and hard.

but depending on who you’re loving, it’s really different tho. i always have compassion for young children and old folks. the other day an old lady seemed lost and wanted to ask for directions but everyone ignored her cuz they were rushing to work. my heart broke a little because i didnt turn back and help her cuz i was running late too. but i’d imagine that if she rejected my help, i wouldn’t feel hurt at all. cuz i dont love her to death. but if you get rejected by someone you deeply care about, then that CAN actually almost cause death. there’s a medical condition called ‘takotsubo cardiomyopathy’, aka broken heart syndrome. simply put, it’s a non-life-threatening heart attack. so when things dont work out with the one you love to death….you can nearly die. i’ve felt like that before. but everything happens for a reason….and i feel like i’m getting to know myself even more. now i know the one for me. i know who she will be.

My elevator epiphany

‘People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.’

most people living in modern civilized places get on elevators everyday. i was no different. but today, the elevator was different. after shortly waking up a 2nd time, i went out to meet my family for lunch. i got on the elevator and on the way down, i was hit by an epiphanic moment.

on the way down, the elevator stopped 3 times. the first time, the doors opened and nobody was there. the 2nd time, a cleaning lady appeared and asked ‘going up or down?’. the 3rd time, a beautiful young lady walked in. for some reason, i thought about life. people can come into and out of your life just as easy as the people you encounter in the elevator. sometimes when the doors open, life brings you nothing. just emptiness. sometimes life brings you somebody looking for direction, and you’re supposed to help them in some way. and sometimes life brings you someone that makes you wonder about the things you may be missing in your life…

Microwaves and Ovens

‘To be yourself is all that you can do’

there are 2 main types of people: introverts and extroverts.  but how much of an impact does this have on one’s life?

was thinking about jobs.  the process of finding one can be quite a dishonest one.  employers love the extroverts, the cheerful, outgoing type.  they love people who can network, and make clients, and sell products and services.  it’s all about profit.  what you can contribute to the company.  how many clients can u reach out to and sell them stuff.  so if you’re an introvert, you gotta sell yourself as outgoing and active.  you can’t be yourself anymore.  this is pretty unfair if you think about it.  when does an extrovert need to pretend to be an introvert? the answer is almost never.

personally, i hate being anything but myself.  i hate fronting.  if you cant be true to yourself, how can you be true to anybody else?  but how many people are out there wearing masks everyday for the world to see?  and how many of those people have hidden behind their artificially projected images for so long that they have lost track of who they really are?  is this why it’s so hard for celebrities to find true love?

anyhoo…..i thought of an analogy for extroverts and introverts.  extroverts are like microwaves, because they heat up really quickly.  they walk into a group of people, and they can mingle very well with everybody.  people feel warm and familiar around this person.  i think most extroverts find it easy to connect with people, and build rapport quickly.  introverts however, are like ovens.  you gotta preheat them before they can cook up a decent conversation.

i’d like to think that during the preheating process, i can tell what type of a person i am talking to.  i’d like to think that i could tell whether they are real.  i’d like to think that maybe by taking a longer time getting to know somebody, i can differentiate between image and reality….

high standards, low expectations

‘ We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’ - Sam Keen

played for a wedding recently.  the first wedding i’ve ever been to that didnt involve me wearing knee high socks and throwing rose petals all over the place.  watching somebody get married kinda forces you to look at your own life.  i think that works for all major events. funerals make you wonder when you’ll leave this place.  unemployment makes you question about your own abilities and your ‘value’ in the market.  experiencing poverty makes you realise how incredibly blessed you are.  well today the wedding got me thinking a little….

why are there so many more single ladies than guys?  are they just picky? or is there really a poor ratio of men versus ladies?
what happens if the bouquet is broken into 5 pieces by the unmarried ladies crowd?
and what’s with the length of the wedding dress?  why does it have to be so long?  and why are there always a few ladies attending to it and making sure it doesnt get stepped on or get caught onto something?  It’s like the welfare of the dress is more important than the groom.

that night a friend asked me if i have high standards.  i think everybody has begins with high standards.  cuz why would anyone start with low? hopefully, as people age and mature, they begin to realize that nobody is perfect, and their expectations will lower.  no doubt everyone has an ‘ideal’ type in mind, a person who possesses all the key qualities you desire.  more realistically though, i don’t think most people will find such a person.  say if there are 10 key qualities you look for in a person, most likely you’ll meet people from zero upwards, be friends with 3s to 6s, and date a few 5s to 7s.  theres an overlap here because sometimes close friends can become life partners.  sometimes you may meet an 8 or above, but probability is lower.  of course it’s still very possible to meet a 10, but whether you are a 10 to him/her is another story. personally, i think those i respect the most are the couples who on the outside may not seem compatible but work hard and commit and overcome obstacles to remain together.

also, i think these so called ‘qualities’ can be lost, depending on what these qualities are.  if one looks for handsome, rich, kind and caring, the first 2 can be lost most easily.  anything physical or materialistic doesnt last, but sadly these are the things our world most values.  the world says to love somebody outside in, but God says inside out.  hopefully i’ll continue to meet people who sees through the temporal things of this world, and loves people from within.