My elevator epiphany

‘People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.’

most people living in modern civilized places get on elevators everyday. i was no different. but today, the elevator was different. after shortly waking up a 2nd time, i went out to meet my family for lunch. i got on the elevator and on the way down, i was hit by an epiphanic moment.

on the way down, the elevator stopped 3 times. the first time, the doors opened and nobody was there. the 2nd time, a cleaning lady appeared and asked ‘going up or down?’. the 3rd time, a beautiful young lady walked in. for some reason, i thought about life. people can come into and out of your life just as easy as the people you encounter in the elevator. sometimes when the doors open, life brings you nothing. just emptiness. sometimes life brings you somebody looking for direction, and you’re supposed to help them in some way. and sometimes life brings you someone that makes you wonder about the things you may be missing in your life…

Microwaves and Ovens

‘To be yourself is all that you can do’

there are 2 main types of people: introverts and extroverts.  but how much of an impact does this have on one’s life?

was thinking about jobs.  the process of finding one can be quite a dishonest one.  employers love the extroverts, the cheerful, outgoing type.  they love people who can network, and make clients, and sell products and services.  it’s all about profit.  what you can contribute to the company.  how many clients can u reach out to and sell them stuff.  so if you’re an introvert, you gotta sell yourself as outgoing and active.  you can’t be yourself anymore.  this is pretty unfair if you think about it.  when does an extrovert need to pretend to be an introvert? the answer is almost never.

personally, i hate being anything but myself.  i hate fronting.  if you cant be true to yourself, how can you be true to anybody else?  but how many people are out there wearing masks everyday for the world to see?  and how many of those people have hidden behind their artificially projected images for so long that they have lost track of who they really are?  is this why it’s so hard for celebrities to find true love?

anyhoo…..i thought of an analogy for extroverts and introverts.  extroverts are like microwaves, because they heat up really quickly.  they walk into a group of people, and they can mingle very well with everybody.  people feel warm and familiar around this person.  i think most extroverts find it easy to connect with people, and build rapport quickly.  introverts however, are like ovens.  you gotta preheat them before they can cook up a decent conversation.

i’d like to think that during the preheating process, i can tell what type of a person i am talking to.  i’d like to think that i could tell whether they are real.  i’d like to think that maybe by taking a longer time getting to know somebody, i can differentiate between image and reality….

high standards, low expectations

‘ We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’ - Sam Keen

played for a wedding recently.  the first wedding i’ve ever been to that didnt involve me wearing knee high socks and throwing rose petals all over the place.  watching somebody get married kinda forces you to look at your own life.  i think that works for all major events. funerals make you wonder when you’ll leave this place.  unemployment makes you question about your own abilities and your ‘value’ in the market.  experiencing poverty makes you realise how incredibly blessed you are.  well today the wedding got me thinking a little….

why are there so many more single ladies than guys?  are they just picky? or is there really a poor ratio of men versus ladies?
what happens if the bouquet is broken into 5 pieces by the unmarried ladies crowd?
and what’s with the length of the wedding dress?  why does it have to be so long?  and why are there always a few ladies attending to it and making sure it doesnt get stepped on or get caught onto something?  It’s like the welfare of the dress is more important than the groom.

that night a friend asked me if i have high standards.  i think everybody has begins with high standards.  cuz why would anyone start with low? hopefully, as people age and mature, they begin to realize that nobody is perfect, and their expectations will lower.  no doubt everyone has an ‘ideal’ type in mind, a person who possesses all the key qualities you desire.  more realistically though, i don’t think most people will find such a person.  say if there are 10 key qualities you look for in a person, most likely you’ll meet people from zero upwards, be friends with 3s to 6s, and date a few 5s to 7s.  theres an overlap here because sometimes close friends can become life partners.  sometimes you may meet an 8 or above, but probability is lower.  of course it’s still very possible to meet a 10, but whether you are a 10 to him/her is another story. personally, i think those i respect the most are the couples who on the outside may not seem compatible but work hard and commit and overcome obstacles to remain together.

also, i think these so called ‘qualities’ can be lost, depending on what these qualities are.  if one looks for handsome, rich, kind and caring, the first 2 can be lost most easily.  anything physical or materialistic doesnt last, but sadly these are the things our world most values.  the world says to love somebody outside in, but God says inside out.  hopefully i’ll continue to meet people who sees through the temporal things of this world, and loves people from within.

say goodbye to pain

‘Sometimes even the right is wrong’

+3

since finishing my awful thesis, i feel like invisible weights have been lifted off my shoulders. the sky is blue again. i can hear birds singing in the early hours of the morning. i’m starting to believe that things in your life can be grouped to serve a purpose. relationship, school, health. they were all deteriorating, so u experience a collective downfall. then when u reach a certain point, u can break out, and be freed.

i got my wisdom tooth extracted yesterday. i was drilled, yanked and drugged. i was scared, not of the procedure, or the tools they used, or the pain. i was scared of complications. x-ray showed im a ‘high risk’ case for nerve damage because the root laid close to the nerve. potentially i could lose taste permanently. i remember lying there while they poked at me, thinking ‘like a flood, his mercy reigns’. could it really be true? in spite of all my recent poor behavior, does God really overlook all those things? would he still protect me? in the end, He did.

been thinking about this whole ‘timing’ deal. whenever a relationship doesnt work out, if you talk to them about why it didnt work out, ‘timing’ is almost always on the list of reasons. it might not be the top reason, but it’s usually mentioned. i dont think i believe in timing. it feels like a cop-out. like an excuse not to try harder in a relationship. people in very different situations, when this ‘timing’ doesnt make any sense, have overcome hardships and ended up together. timing only makes sense when you’re not in a relationshp, but looking to be in one. for example, if somebody just finished a relationhip with someone, they may not be ready to start a new relationship with you.

Hound of Heaven

The name is strange. It startles one at first. It is so bold, so new, so fearless. It does not attract, rather the reverse. But when one reads the poem this strangeness disappears. The meaning is understood. As the hound follows the hare, never ceasing in its running, ever drawing nearer in the chase, with unhurrying and imperturbed pace, so does God follow the fleeing soul by His Divine grace. And though in sin or in human love, away from God it seeks to hide itself, Divine grace follows after, unwearyingly follows ever after, till the soul feels its pressure forcing it to turn to Him alone in that never ending pursuit.

- Francis Thompson

the art of losing

‘i’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. i’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.’

-3

i hate losing things. and i hate having to find it. i think it’s gotta be in my top 5 most hated things. i hate it so much because i can’t just let it be lost. i HAVE to find it. it’s like when you’re in bed and suddenly u hear a buzz next to your ear, and you bounce right up and realise there’s a mosquito in your room, you HAVE to get rid of it. otherwise u risk waking up the next morning with mosquito bites all over you, and a fatter mosquito hiding in your room somewhere laughing at you….

now everybody claims that when you’re not looking for something, it’s usually where you last left it, but when you are looking for it, for some reason it’s not at that spot anymore. so lets summarize the chain of events starting from when you realize you need it, and we’ll call it ‘windows xp installation cd’

1) go to the place where you thought you last placed or seen windows xp installation cd
2) when you can’t find windows xp installation cd in that place, you have a brief ’squint-eye-stroke-chin’ moment, and maybe sweeten it with a light ‘hmmm’ sound
3) you start looking at other places where windows xp installation cd might be, such as your cd rack
4) doubting your first search effort, u go back to the first place and sift through everything more carefully
5) you start looking at more places eventhough they are more unlikely locations where you would find windows xp installation cd
6) if they havent noticed already, u start acting more frustrated and annoyed to grab the attention of your family members so they’ll ask ‘hey, what’s wrong?’
7) after explaining about the lost windows xp installation cd, your family members will join in on the search.
8 ) you start calling people and asking them ‘yo did u take my windows xp installation cd?’
9) without fail, your dad will give u the ‘well if you were more organized, this wouldnt’ve happened’ pep talk, at which point u might want to either 1) accuse somebody of moving your windows xp installation cd, or 2) hang up
10) as u continue your search and begin to realise that the amount of junk you have in your house is a contributing factor to the disappearance of windows xp installation cd, you start throwing junk on the floor so that after the search party is over, you can throw all of that in the trash
11) upon finding things that resemble windows xp installation cd, such as your sister’s ‘Alicia Key’s unplugged’ cd, milliseconds of hope and excitement soon transforms into inconsolable rage against all cds except your windows xp installation cd…. OR vice versa.
12) if you’re lucky, level-headed thinking may deliver you a flashback where you see one of your family member putting your stuff, including your windows xp installation cd, in a box, at another location.
13) finally you find your stupid windows xp installation cd, and stick it in your cd drive so you can get your damn excel file to open once again

so that’s how windows annoyed me today. the automatic update is the most annoying thing in the world. you update stuff and it causes your files not to open unless you have your stupid windows xp installation cd. if u dont update stuff, they guilt trip you by saying ‘your computer will be more vulnerable unless you install updates regularly’. but there you go, lessons learned:
1) it aint your unorganization/disorganization, it’s somebody else.
2) don’t use automatic update….or switch to mac.

the man and purse conundrum

‘I’ve seen diamonds cut through harder men’

+2

i’ve been wanting to address this issue for a while, but never really had time to give it much thought. this topic came up again during last night’s dinner conversation. the family was watching some korean tv drama and there was a scene where the lady insists on holding her own purse despite the man’s offer of carrying things for her. my family collectively praised the lady for doing so because she is preserving the image of her man. i guess i agree with that a little bit, and apparently korean ladies feel that way too. with that, i thought about what both genders would say about this issue, so i investigated a little.

there’s really only 3 positions to choose from:
1) it is good for a man to help carry purse
2) it is bad for a man to help carry purse
3) good/bad is circumstantial

frankly i find most people fall in the 3rd category, but there are a good portion of people in the 1st and 2nd. after interviewing some guys, the reasons for helping the lady carrying her purse include: it’s heavy, she’s carrying something else, and she’s tired. interestingly, nobody mentioned chivalry. similar reasons were also given by the girls. one gave an example of when the wife is holding the baby, it is reasonable to ask the man to help carry her purse. of the people who support position #2, their main reason is the preservation of the man’s image. a man holding a lady’s purse may be a repulsive image to some.

personally i think i fall into the 3rd category. i think my decision in holding the purse is very circumstantial. i guess it depends on how long i have to carry it, over what distance, for what reason, and the color of the purse. time and distance isnt really about the physical burden of carrying the purse. it’s more to do with exposure. firstly it doesnt look good to hold feminine objects in general. not just purses. for example, a man holding a box of tampons in a convenience store. not a comfortable image to picture. this is also related to the appearance of the purse. bright pink with glitters? no no no. dull black? acceptable. finally, there should be a good reason for holding the purse. for example, it’s too heavy for her, she’s holding the baby, she dropped her contact and wants to search for it, her shoelace is undone etc. there’s also 1 last condition i feel is very important in my willingness to hold the purse: the lady must be in close proximity. this is because an average person would be able to logically deduce that the purse belongs to the lady, not me. to sum up, i feel like there’s a line to be drawn between being kind and considerate to the lady and losing masculinity and dignity. and i’m a guy who draws that line.

all this pondering led me to another mystery: what do ladies carry in their handbags? why are their purses so heavy? there’s probably a whole list of things, but so far i’ve come up with some possible items: makeup, mirror, hand/face cream, phone, camera, sweater, keys, access cards, wallet, music device, book/magazine, female accessories.

furthermore, there are other questions to be investigated, possibly some time in the future:
- why not carry less stuff?
- why wear shoes that hurt their feet?

unagape, anagape

‘be more quiet now, and wait for a voice to say…’

-2

for the past year i’ve been spending a lot of time on apologetics. one of the things i’ve learned about atheists is that some of them have a smokescreen for their unbelief. some of them use things as an excuse not to believe in god. some of these barriers they put up really do deserve attention and should be more actively addressed by believers. but as i pondered about believers, nonbelievers, and this whole smokescreen idea, i saw my own reflection as i looked closer upon my imaginary thought cloud.

today i’ve coined the terms ‘Unagape’ and ‘Anagape’, describing unlove and without/lack of love respectively. having struggled with darkness for a while now, i’m starting to recover my analytical skills. i’ve always believed that it’s always easier to accept something if you understand it. my failures in relationships have always resulted in the spawning of a list of possible explanations for the shortcomings. but i dont stop there. there’s always time to theorize girls. sure there isnt a no one-theory-fits-all situation here, but hypothesizing girls will save u from tripping over by the same rock twice.

in my struggle with depression and bitterness, one central component is establishing who’s right and who’s wrong. it’s very important to me. if people say it’s my fault, i feel the need to defend myself. my friend called this pride. and he’s probably right, and i probably have to deal with that. but i can also call it apologetics too. but anyways, as i thought about my thinking process (grrrr…i think too much), i saw resemblance between the atheistic smokescreen and jilted ex boyfriend bitterness. my theories were my smokescreens. this realization broke me. it doesn’t mean my theories are invalid. it just means my pride is destroyed. i’m vulnerable again. i have nothing to hide behind. the root of the problem is, i’m still in love with her. i can’t escape from that truth anymore. in all my efforts in making theories and establishing who’s right and who’s wrong, i was just trying to explaining away love. i was looking for the reason to unlove, so that hopefully one day i can be without love.

i don’t want to love. i want unagape. love given without love returned exchanges for suffering. so if i am without love, anagape, i will never receive suffering. but wait a second. i still have a relationship, with God. and i have unloved him so many times, yet how can there still be a relationship? When i was unloving, God never thought of reasons not to love me. He never made a list of why i don’t deserve His love. He never wanted unagape. I continuously break his heart by not returning love, yet he still loves. why would He love me still? why is there this grace? why does He endure? what else can i do but love you back? i’ll surrender to truth. i choose to love and suffer. a girl once wrote on her wall ‘love until it hurts, then love some more.’ i think i’ll do just that.

my catch 22

‘I came down here to tell you, it rains in heaven all day long’

-3

this weekend sucked. was gonna do a lot of work but ended up doing so little. i couldn’t get much done at home for the past few days so i decided to go into school today and work there. ended up not doing anything there either. why? cuz i started thinking about things i shouldnt be thinking about. man i hate this emotional crap. everywhere u go, it follows u. and there’s stupid catch 22 if you’re still in school. u wanna get work done so u try to be alone, but emotional crap prevents u from thinking/focusing on your work. in order to free your mind from emotional crap, u go out/hang out with friends and focus on other stuff. but since you’re out and with other people, you can’t get any work done either. so you’re screwed either way. why do i always get screwed?

visited a certain fellowship at a certain church this weekend, and that sucked too. i walk in and i feel like i’ve just entered a frat house. except there’s no alcohol or mooning. i dunno why, but it felt like a big party to me. it was too charismatic, too young, too ‘cool’, it almost felt…superficial. i did talk to a few people and they were alrite. i’m sure they do great things as a church, but individually, i have to question whether people really go there for God, or if they go for friends and fun and events. the way the place was presented, kinda felt like a big marketing scheme, and maybe they’re not even aware of it themselves. granted, that type of setting would suit some people, especially young adults, so if it’s working for them then good for them. but personally i wasn’t too comfortable in that environment. like when the guy introduced the speaker for an upcoming series, he sounded like a DJ. ‘the next series is by justin ho…..er’body say hooooo!!!! (hooooooo!!!!), hoooooo!!!! (hoooooo!!!!!).’ i was quite turned off by that…

my sum total of pain

‘if i suddenly went blind, would you still look in my eyes?‘

was thinking about c s lewis on the bus going to school. he said that there is no aggregate sum of suffering. no one experiences the sum total of pain at any given moment during his/her lifetime. the sum total of 50 units of pain experienced by a 50 year old man still works out to be 1 unit of pain per year. under my current situation, i couldnt help but wonder ‘what is my sum total of pain so far?’

that’s pretty tough to estimate, since a score reflecting a degree of pain will be totally arbitrary. still though, it’d be interesting to know what the sum total would be. maybe i could start keeping score now. if i start giving score to the days i write on the this blog, and if i blog for a very long time, i could technically produce a graph charting my happy and sad days, like this:

By plotting such a graph, i could calculate the area under (or over) the curve to calculate my sum total of happiness versus pain. now that’s a pretty sad thing to do. yeah ok not gonna do it. maybe i could just have a scale of +10 (max happiness) to -10 (max pain), then add up all the numbers as time progresses. i wonder how long i can keep that up for… well anyways, today was a +3, and yesterday must’ve been a -8 or something…